Having stability in my life has always been a struggle. I’m not one to keep up with things (as you may notice from my lack of blogging). Novelty seems to have more of an effect on me than I’d like to believe. I’m all about new places, new places, new foods, and new activities and I like that about myself. Variety is the spice of life, indeed. However, as I’m getting older, I’m noticing I need a little more discipline and regularity in order to keep myself on track. Doing so would certainly help me save money. The lifestyle of a novelty chaser is proving ti be an expensive one. I hesitate to “lock myself down”. There’s a hint of fear there.
I’m afraid of being ordinary. I’m afraid of losing my curiosity. I’m afraid of missing out on something really cool because I didn’t know about it. I’m afraid of getting “stuck” in one place. All of these factors add to my definition of failure. I feel as though I will have failed myself and my spirit by settling.
Yoga, big cities, culture, being active, food, and travel are all the things that come to mind when I think of what makes me happy. These are the things that keep me curious about life. I feel they all aide me in my personal growth. When I have a vision or make goals, the products are usually based around these concepts. If I’m so firm in that, why am I so afraid of losing it? And now that I am goal setting and planning along the way, shouldn’t that make me even more secure about what it is exactly that I want?
I’ve identified lack of follow through as one of my problems. I feel like I haven’t exactly accomplished a lot because I get ADD and become anxious to move on to the next. Anything less than instant gratification is simply unacceptable…or shall i say, was. Simply put, it takes time, effort, and patience to get what you really want out of life. I can’t just shut my eyes, wrinkle my nose, and open them and have what I want. I’m learning that. And, if it’s something I really want, not getting it right away will not cause me to lose the desire to have it or obtain it.
A big part of it, too, is letting go of the past. Though I have made HUGE strides in that department (thanks to 6 months of therapy), I still let past failures…ahem experiences, hinder what I am attempting to manifest in my future. The one thing I do hold onto, no matter what, is that I’m still standing and most importantly growing. Scraps, bumps, and bruises (seen and unseen) aside, I’m still growing.