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Have you ever sat down and asked yourself what you really want in life. Like, money-is-no-object, the-world-is-completely-at-your-disposal wants. Can you do it? Cause I can’t. Even scarier than making such declarations for my life (due to fear of failure) is the fact that I have limited myself so much that I just can’t do it.

It’s not going to happen. I don’t have the resources. I’m getting too old. Money?! All these damn limitations! How disheartening to be approaching 30 years on this planet and all I have to show for it is self doubt and no sign of reassurance.

Can I just be her for a little while?

Over the weekend I had an “aha!” moment.  I was trying to manifest a positive event by thinking negative thoughts. My first instinct has always been to plan for the worst case scenario, that way when everything turns out fine I’m pleasantly surprised instead of disappointed. Opposites attract over law of attraction.

All of a sudden, it just stopped making sense. I seek positive energy on the mat, when practicing yoga or during meditation, but when I’m no longer present in that space, that moment of karmic exchange with the Universe, I seem to just leave it all behind and slowly gather up all the negative energy I intended to leave behind. What’s the point of letting it all go when I basically ask for it all back? I’ll tell you why. It’s because being negative, not wishing, abandoning expectation (at times), and lowering my standards are all places of comfort. I am not comfortable when I can’t control outcomes, when doubt is present, or when things are just going too good (calm before the storm anyone?).

I’ve been wanting to do some chakra work for quite some time. I am in need of some serious healing and balancing. My first step will be Wednesday when I venture to University City for a Kundalini Yoga & Chakra workshop at Dhyana Yoga. I’ve taken classes at other Dhyana locations (Center City and Haddonfield, NJ) and I really like the teaching styles and instructors. I’ve been doing some yoga home research for the past six months and I’m thinking Dhyana may be my happy yogi place (non Bikram that is).

Along with the theme of being able to start anew, which I really seem to be taking advantage of as of late, I’m ready to put in the time and devotion and do things right. I’m not looking to heal superficially and settle for quick fixes, I’m on a quest to find my strength physically, metaphysically, and emotionally. Chakras ignite!

~D~

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